I my last post, I talked about the ways we cause our own suffering through things we get attached to. Attachments are severe impediments to a life of serenity, power, and freedom. So, one of the goals of living a meaningful, bazooka-proof life is practicing detachment.
Link to Part 1 of this series: Suffering to Serenity
Link to Bazooka-proof
First, a definition.
“Many think of detachment as severance from the world to the point where one becomes unfeeling and uncaring. Actually, detachment is the middle road between attachment and nonattachment.” –Shirley Chambers
Attachment means ‘to bind together by personal ties or to fasten.’ If two things are bound fast, the stronger controls the weaker. If they are of equal strength, which is highly unlikely, neither would have individual freedom.
The opposite of attachment is nonattachment. (Note: some schools/traditions use the term nonattachment in the way I’m describing detachment. Either is fine – whatever works for you.) Here’s why I see it my way:
The prefix ‘non’ means ‘the reverse or absence of’ indicating that nonattachment would be the absence of any kind of relationship. Without interaction, little connection or growth can be achieved. Without emotional exchange, one figuratively becomes inhuman. Conversely, attachment is the personal immersion into feelings to the point of becoming them.
Both attachment and nonattachment signify imbalance, yet there are times when either can be beneficially utilized. Sometimes binding oneself to something is necessary, but attachment becomes imbalanced if we are not willing or able to release the bonds. And, it may be necessary to become nonattached to a particular person or thing, but total, overall non-attachment can leave us unable to relate to anything.
The prefix ‘de’ means ‘to draw away from, or remove from.’ Detachment is the balance between attachment and nonattachment. Detachment indicates having an association with someone or something without being bound to it. There is interaction, but also freedom.
Another way of describing detachment is “to be in the world but not of it.” This is an indication that we are to live life and learn to flow with it rather than avoid it, control it, or become emotionally reactive if things don’t go our way.
A common mistake people make around detachment is to confuse “acceptance” with tolerating, resignation, and ignoring. For example, I often hear people say that they “accept” someone else’s poor behavior when in truth they are allowing something to happen that shouldn’t be happening because they don’t know how to stop it. In these cases, non-action is nonattachment.
Detachment doesn’t mean you don’t take action. Au contraire. It means you DO take action, but from the perspective of right action.
Wrong action, using the above situation: berating, manipulating, making the other person wrong, stonewalling.
Right action: “I have learned that if you’re not being good to me, then I’m not being good to me. So, I am asking that you change your behavior, or I will need to _______________.” (appropriate self-care action)
Another issue people have to deal with is that of feeling selfish or seeming insensitive. Changing behaviors can feel uncomfortable. It will likely feel awkward to detach from people, situations, and reactions you have been overly attached to.
When attached to others, we tend to become overly concerned about their feelings and put their needs before ours. To stop doing that can look selfish and insensitive. And it is quite common for others in your life who have been accustomed to being put first to think so, too. But … even that is an opportunity to practice detachment — to not allow the fear of seeming selfish/insensitive to linger just because someone else is resisting or making you feel badly about your attempt to take care of yourself.
Keep in mind: delivery is everything. It will make a big difference how you communicate whatever it is you need to do.
OK, this is pretty complex and I’m speaking in generalities, so I will end with an example and an exercise so that you can start practicing detachment now. And then in the next/final post I will include more examples to further clarify.
Example: “Shelly” met this really great guy and he asked for her number.
Attachment: She constantly checks her phone. She can’t stop talking to all her friends about him. She is devastated if he doesn’t call or text. She is elated beyond words when he does. Her happiness depends on that contact.
Nonattachment: She expects him to not call. She doesn’t care if he calls. She closes her heart to any hope that something good could happen.
Detachment: “Sherry” might think about him from time to time and hope that he calls/texts, but she goes about her life because her enjoyment does not depend on the phone ringing. If he reaches out, she feels happy to hear from him, but not overly so because it is one of many joys in her day. If he doesn’t, she might feel disappointed, but not for long because she knows she has a great life and other opportunities will come along. Her sense of self is not dictated by what he does or does not do.
Exercise:
Notice when you have an emotional reaction to something (upset, frustration, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment, or even elation), and notice when you close your heart and tell yourself not to care. See if you can come up with examples of attachment and nonattachment, and if you want my input, feel free to reach out with your examples and questions. Extra credit if you practice detaching.