In my last post, I promised more examples of detachment. Here they are, for your viewing pleasure.
Keep in mind that there are a variety of ways each scenario could play out and that I have only offered a few. I hope that what I describe below gives you a sense of each type – attached, nonattached, detached (A-N-D) – so you can find yourself in them and thus more easily grow your way into detachment
#1: Traffic is at a stand-still, and you’re in a hurry to (meet someone, get to work, make the show).
Attached: ranting, raving, honking, tailgating, and the like.
Feelings: upset, frustration, irritation, self-pity.
Nonattached: “Screw it. This always happens to me. They’ll just have to wait. I can’t help it.”
Feelings: numb, resigned, blaming, angry.
Detached: You call the person you’re about to meet to let them know you’re in a traffic jam and give your new ETA.
Feelings: acceptance, patience, inner balance.
#2: Your sister one criticizes you for something you (said/didn’t say, did/did not do, thought, wore, whatever).
Attached:
1. Changing to meet her expectation (aka “pretzeling”).
2. Defending your position.
Feelings: Shame, guilt, resistance, fear/anxiety, confusion, off balance, defensive, victimized.
Nonattached: ignoring, dismissing, or somehow conveying, “FU.”
Feelings: defiance, disgust, closed-off, uncaring, irritation, making her wrong.
Detached: “Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your opinion. I will take it under consideration.”
Feelings: curiosity (“I wonder why she’s saying that and I wonder if there’s anything that is true about it.”), caring (“I love my sister and I value her opinion, but it’s ok if mine is different.”), unmoved (by her difference of opinion and delivery thereof).
#3: Your child wants a Snickers bar for dinner, even though you both know that’s not good for him. He goes to the candy jar, pulls one out, and starts eating it.
Attached:
1. You explain that he can’t have the candy. It’s time for dinner. He screams, “You are such a mean mom/dad!” You let him eat the candy to appease his tantrum.
2. You say, “There, there, Johnny. You’ve had a bad day. I’ll let you have the candy just this once (even though “just this once” has happened a number of times before).
Note: I call these exchanges “bribery for approval.”
Feelings: guilt, fear (of losing the child’s affection, of upsetting him, or something else), lazy or weak (not strong enough to set the boundaries the child needs in the moment)
Nonattached:
1. You yank the candy from his hand and fuss, “you can’t have that now!”
2. You ignore him, let him eat it, and have no interaction with him.
Feelings: tense, resistant, make-wrong (“he’s bad”), strong desire for the child to be different (or be gone).
Detached:
1. You say, “I know you want a candy bar right now, but that’s not what we eat for dinner.”
2. You give choices, “Would you rather have it for dessert or save it as a snack for tomorrow?”
Feelings: love, compassion, Inner strength. The truly detached parent will have no qualms about doing the right thing, even if the child fusses.
#4: You make a big mistake at work
Attached: You go into panic mode, over-doing and over-apologizing (“apologizing for being alive.”). You may also go into severe self-flagellation. You might look for others to blame, point fingers at, so that you’re not in it alone.
Feelings: shame, fear (of losing job, of other people’s disapproval), remorse.
Nonattached: “I don’t care. I’m human. ”
Feelings: defensive, protected, withdrawn.
Detached: You take appropriate measures to clean up the mess. You ask for and welcome support. You move on in stride.
Feelings: self-acceptance, strength, commitment, respect, duty.
The bottom line is:
A: The attached person cares too much, giving their power over to another person or situation and often feeling victimized.
N: The nonattached person does not care at all, and therefore hoards their power. This hoarding keeps their power stuck, and so is another form of powerlessness and victimization.
D: The detached person is balanced and centered. He/She will express their power, giving it to themselves, others, and the situation as required and appropriate.
Because we live in such an attached/nonattached world, engaging in the practice of detachment is like lifting inner weights. Spiritual boot camp, so to speak. Practice, practice, practice!
My hope is that you will use this information to strengthen your ability to stay calm, peaceful, and loving, no matter what. What a world we could create if we all came from this state of being!