Sorrow is a spiritual term used for the emptiness that comes after a big experience, after a disappointment, or when it’s time for change. It is a very rich and spiritual space, but most people are afraid of it, so they fill it with feelings of sadness and get stuck there. That’s when it can feel like, or even become, depression.

But it doesn’t have to go that way. The opportunity of sorrow is to strengthen our soul, the vessel of conscious awareness, so that it can hold more faith, new truth, a brighter future, and a bigger Self.

Think of it this way: if you want to plant a tree you must first dig a hole. Same thing with big changes – from difficulties such as losing a loved one (whether through death or divorce) to happy things such as getting a promotion or a new job – they all start and end with a hole inside. That space is known as sorrow.

When planting a tree, it sometimes takes while for it to grow and bear fruit. The bigger the tree, the deeper the hole, and the longer the time to fruit. Too often, people will dig a (inner) hole but not put anything productive in it. Filling the space with sadness will reap heaviness and depression. Filling it with distractions will eventually reap frustration and dissatisfaction. Holding on to (filling it with) the past, keeps you stuck. However… If you fill it with seeds of purpose, possibility and action, you will grow something new.

So, part of the spiritual journey is learning to hold the space of sorrow, plant seeds of new truth, nurture them, and let the experience of growth strengthen us – strengthen faith, confidence, understanding, awareness.

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Why are we so afraid of failing? What’s the big deal? I think there are a number of aspects to this issue, but it seems that underneath it all is a core of shame. “What will they think of me if I fail?” We feel afraid that others will see us as we sometimes see ourselves: bad, damaged, inferior.

Another contributing factor is having an improper perspective. We, in general, as a society, tend to see failure as an identity rather than an experience. What that means is this: if we try and do not succeed, we ARE a failure. It becomes our identity. “I am a failure.” Not true, but this is how most people relate to things that don’t go the way they think they should have gone.

The proper – life affirming – perspective is to see our experiences as lessons, opportunities to grow. Then, when things don’t go the way we had hoped, we look at what happened and learn from it, instead of giving into the self-pity and powerlessness that come with fear of failure.

What is there to learn? What do we need to grow? Certainty of Self. The ability to live life on life’s terms. Our capacity to love. To become Bazooka-Proof. When that’s the end game, there is no failure if things don’t work out, just an AFGE (another freaking growth experience). The more you embrace growth, the stronger you become and the more powerfully you face life’s challenges.

Exercise: List three big “failures” in your life. Did you perceive those failures as reflecting poorly on you? How? Now turn it around: in what ways did those/could those experiences strengthen you? What did you learn? How can you apply that in your life now?

For more on shame, go to: Shame, The Real Relationship Killer

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Recently, I began to notice just how true this is. Whenever I felt upset about something (in other words, not accepting), it always had a core component of lack of self-acceptance, or worse, self-loathing. The more I looked around me, the more I saw this to be true with my clients (and others) as well.

Our access to serenity, power, and freedom is based in our Certainty of Self.

How strong is your sense of self? Your upsets will tell you.

How often do you find yourself feeling hurt, angry, irritated, etc. by other people and life situations? Notice when you are not accepting a situation, person, or thing. What is it saying about you? What are you making it mean about you?

For example, when your loved one, co-worker, friend, or family member does something you don’t like, something you find upsetting, look beneath the surface. Usually, it’s triggering a core fear – the thing we least like about ourselves. Does it make you feel unlovable? Ashamed? Not valued? Not good enough? Then explore the places you don’t love yourself. Does it make you feel controlled or disrespected? Explore your fear of losing power with others.

More often than not, as you look deeper, you will see that the core of all upsets is based in a lack of acceptance of self. The way to strengthen that is to notice. Notice, notice, notice. Don’t judge. Accept the non-acceptance. Question the non-acceptance. Then things will begin to change, and you will begin to strengthen, and the stronger your sense of self, the fewer the upsets!

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This state of being comes from the Higher Self, that part of us that knows who we are, our purpose and our place in the world. It is the part that is connected with Spirit/Divinity/God, whatever you call that power greater than our human selves. It is a place of knowing and of true faith.

In BP-land, we stay calm and solid, no matter what happens in life. We are not dependent on others’ approval, moods, or behavior. We are not even impacted by our own negative thoughts and bad feelings. In fact, we hardly have them.

When BP, we do the right thing – even if we don’t feel like it, even if it hurts, and no matter the consequences. We don’t worry about things that are beyond our control, and we live in a state of detachment – not attached to outcomes, people, places or things. We thrive amidst the craziness and unrest that surrounds us. We are not controlled by fear, shame, guilt, obligation, or other such influences. We are free to live life on life’s terms.

Two perfect stories of what it is to be Bazooka-Proof are found in Eckhart Tolle’s book, A New Earth. “Is that so” can be found on p199 and “I don’t mind what happens” is on p198. Highly recommended reading.

Becoming Bazooka-Proof is a process that requires awareness, persistence and determination. I hope you will choose to seek it for yourself.

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On the other hand, if you feel fear, you will draw to you the very thing you fear! It is a spiritual truth: you will continue to experience whatever it is you fear until you do not fear it anymore. This is because we are wired for bliss, joy and freedom. If we’re not there yet, we have to grow out of the things that are in the way. In other words, we have to face the things we fear until we are strong enough to move beyond them.

This is especially true in relationships. Common relationship fears are of:

• being rejected
• being abandoned
• being controlled
• not measuring up, not being good enough
• being a failure
• not being accepted or valued
• being “found out” as damaged or not lovable

Many people have at least one of these fears. The goal of overcoming them is to know yourself so well and so deeply that you love and accept all of you all of the time. Then, when you are in that powerful place, you will not be afraid of what someone else thinks, says, feels or does as it regards you. Bobby Drinnon calls that being bazooka-proof. I will talk about that in a future post.

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Fear comes from a couple of places: 1) our animal, instinctual nature and 2) our inner distortions aka the false self. Freedom comes from knowing who we really are, including our connection with Spirit.

Some fear is natural and necessary – it tells us when we’re in danger. That one we must learn to pay attention to. Most fear is based in false perceptions about life and others, and that one we must learn to ignore. And pay attention to. Yes, being aware of the internal cause of inappropriate fear can show you where your growth opportunity lies. It is a rich source of soul food – information that helps you strengthen so that you can move from fear to freedom.

The Awareness Approach to life is to keep checking in with yourself and asking, “In this moment, am I feeling fear or freedom?” If you’re not feeling free – to choose, speak up for yourself, do what you need or want to do, or be OK with things exactly the way they are – then you’re in a state of fear. Remember, there are only two choices, and only one at a time. Both cannot co-exist.

As soon as you identify “not freedom,” look to see if you can name the fear. Many people are so accustomed to “not freedom” that they’re not even aware of their fear. Aware or not, keep looking. The more you see and name your fears and the more you explore where they came from and why they’re running, the sooner you see what the next right thing is to do, and you release yourself from your inner prison. You can set yourself free!

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